When Society Becomes Your Biggest Fear..!

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What our society has benchmarked one’s life to be called settled?

A good job, a good marriage and kids, a home and the basic amenities to live a comfortable life. Well, to start with, I am 41 years old and unmarried, with no kids. I mentioned “no kids” because we may see people having kids without marriage as well. I started working soon after my Chartered accountancy course and it’s been 18 years that I am working in the same company. I head India’s Department of this MNC and they pay me enough to buy a Mercedes or a big house anywhere in this country.
People fall in love and I too fell in it many times but nobody actually understood my love. The oldest memory of falling in love was when I was in class 6th. Those who say they had a crush on their teacher, I believe them, because I too had a strong crush on my teacher. She was hardly 20 yrs old, very beautiful, damn simple and sexy. Whatever she wears, I fell on her each and every day. But, I could never tell her. I used to miss her whole day on Sunday’s. But, good times doesn’t last, she left her job, making me lonely in that boring school.
My next love was when I was in class 11th. She was my classmate’s elder sister and they were my neighbors too. She had won some title in Miss India contest and was damn beautiful. She had her own car, so whenever she goes to college, I used to come out of my house to saw her pretty face. She was so good looking that I could live all my life with her, bearing all those tantrums. But, I was still in school and could not propose her. Once she said black color looks good on you; so I got all black t-shirts for me to wear. I never told her about my love for her, after some time she got married in a different city.
Time passed; I was good in studies, so opted for CA after my 12th and cleared it in 3 years along with my graduation. I got a good job offer in Mumbai so I came here for the job. I never wanted to stay alone, so I searched for a good PG and found a good one near to my office. My next love, Shipra, she lived in our PG. She was an average looking girl, but very cute and pretty. I loved her innocence and smile. I wanted to tell her how much I love her but I never did, I thought how would she take it, maybe I am wrong or I am not normal. But this love has grown more with time. She became my good friend in PG, we used to go out for dinner and shopping. She was younger to me. I wanted to propose her but I silently loved her. She never noticed that love in my eyes. And one fine day, she went to her hometown for her marriage. My heart was broken and I could not even share my feelings. Meanwhile, my parents pressurized me to get married too, but I could not tell them that I don’t want to marry a boy. Though I am a girl in my body, but I like girls. I always loved girls and I don’t want to marry a boy. I don’t want to lie as well. Yes, you people read it right. I am a lady, and my sexual orientation is not straight and I proudly agree to that. I have seen many people who do not realize their sexual orientation even after marriage, resulting in divorce or unwanted relationships. But, I knew who I am and I never wanted to trash a life of a guy. I told my parents that I wanted to go Germany as I am getting a good job offer from there. They agreed to it. I never wanted to come back but initially, I got a work visa for 4 years. I was 30 years old.
After Shipra, I never had any other crush until I met Riva at my Germany office. She was from Delhi and was here in Germany for another 3 Years. I asked her if we could share same flat. She happily nodded. We got a 2bhk in a good area and got everything that a well-maintained home is needed. She was a great cook, a matured and smiling person. She was not much attractive but her talks were so good that anyone wanted to listen to her for hours. We used to watch movies on weekends or together visited many nearby places. She was fun to be with. Very lively, smiling and intellectual girl. I was very happy living with her, many times I wanted to tell her that I love her so much but I was sure she would never understand me. Time was running with the jet speed and 3 years were coming to an end. I never wanted to go away from her, but I had no good option. She went off to Delhi in next few weeks, leaving me all alone. My house became so lonely that I hardly spent any time there. I started going in pubs and some activity centers as I had one more year left in that country. My parents stopped pressuring me for marriage, my age was increasing at a faster pace. Many well-settled boys wanted to marry me, but none had an idea about my sexuality and I could not tell anyone as I was scared. Scared of my family, this society, and our culture.
One day, while watching some tv show, something clicked in my mind. Is this sexuality a mental disorder? I fixed an appointment with a psychiatrist the very next day and told all my details to her, what I feel, how I feel and why I don’t wanna marry. She heard everything with peace and confidence and told me it’s pretty normal, many people have such sexuality but they don’t accept it. I wanted to tell my parents that I am normal but I like girls, not boys; but I was very sure that they would never understand this thing. Slowly, another year came to an end and I was returning back to India. My company offered me to extend my visa but I asked for a month off to spend time with my family. My parents were so glad to see me and started showing me boys photos from the very next day. I was least interested and I told them I don’t wanna marry whole my life. It was difficult to convince them but I did. I went back to Germany after a month, this time for 2 more years.
In few months, I got a mail from Riva regarding her marriage. Somewhere something broke inside me. I cried…I cried and cried. I wrote a congratulations email to her and promised her to attend the wedding. The wedding was exactly in a month. I booked my tickets for India, took a gift for her and left for India to see her the last time. I reached there before 6 days of her wedding. All the pre-wedding rituals were started. I spent all 6 days just with her. She was so happy to see me. I met the groom as well. A very handsome and good looking guy but I hated Him. I tried telling Riva about my love but I didn’t. After her wedding, I came back to my workplace. I tried to forget about her but every minute her face comes in front of my eyes with that same innocent smile. I love her, truly. But nobody is gonna understand my feelings, my love, and my nature. I have boyfriends but I don’t love them as a lover. I don’t know if this is natural or some problem in me, but I have accepted myself this way. It’s been many years of Riva’s marriage now, she is happy with her life. She posts happy pictures of her family on Facebook. I am never jealous of her life, but I miss her even today. I can never tell her how much I love her, but all my blessings are with her. My parents live with me so I don’t feel lonely at home. I have everything that one should have at this age, a good house, a big car, a good bank balance, but my heart is empty. I wish someone understand my feelings some day and accept me the way I am.

I have never shared my feelings with anyone but a good friend asked me to write so I did. 🙂

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