An unsaid confession.

Confession

“Do you miss her?” I asked.
He keeps quiet and at this time his eyes were silent too. I had no option to change the topic because I started it and he got too emotional, lost somewhere in his memories.
I know him since childhood. Today, we both are 25 yrs old.
My eyes came into the present when he said,” Yes, I miss her so much, I wish I could spend all my life with her. Guess I am not so lucky.”
Again a long silence.. it was a very different day and heavy too; heavy with all such memories and emotions.
Today is 21st march 2015. Its been exactly 11 years that he lost his mom. He is my good friend since childhood. We both share a lot of similarities in life like: both are from business families, love sports and studied engineering. The only thing which is not common between us is emotional stability. He is too emotional and I am too practical and kind of insensitive.
I never wanted to make him sad but somehow we started talking about his mother and this gave an emotional turn to our long talks. I thought to let him burst out today so that he may feel better in future and can think of his good life.
He started, “I loved my mom so much, just like any other pampered kid. I still remember her sleepless nights when I was unwell. She used to make my favorite food every Sunday. She overlooked her health just to take good care of me and my dad. I never saw her doing any makeup or any health remedies for her, she was always busy in doing things for me and dad.”
My mind replied “every mother is same buddy, they love their children the most”, but my heart asked me to shut my mouth at this time.
He continued, “you know, my mother gave birth to a little baby girl when I was 7 yrs old. I clearly remember those small hands and cute small face, my mom used to wake up for whole night with her as that baby never used to sleep in night.
This was bit shocking because I never saw anyone else in his home except his dad.
He started again, “that little girl was named ‘Kyara’, all my mom’s attention was on her and I became secondary. Mom was always so worried about her food, milk, bath, etc. This made me a jealous child. I guess every child thinks the same when all his attention goes to the new child. Although I tried my best to love my small sister but somehow the child in me wanted my mom back. I used to pray GOD to take back this baby so that mom can pay all her attention to me. How could I be so cruel and bad…I don’t know but that’s the truth! I guess GOD was seriously listening to my prayers. One day I saw mom crying badly early in the morning. I ran to the hall and saw the little girl lying on the floor surrounded with white cloth. My dad was crying too. Everyone around was trying to keep my mom calm but she was out of her senses. I overheard, the little girl had some heart problem which led to her sudden death. She was 11 months old. That day I started believing in GOD and prayers. Yes, he listens to our prayers and answers them too, but not always. I was never attached to baby sister so I never cried. I was kind of happy that my mom is finally all mines. But I was wrong. Since that day my mom stopped smiling or laughing. She became a machine. She used to do household works, sleep and take some medicines. I was unsure what happened to her. Being an eight year old; I could sense that mom is unwell and might be missing that baby so I prayed GOD to return that baby to us. This time he didn’t listen to my prayers. I went to a temple near to my school and asked GOD to give my little sister back but I guess he was adamant on his decision. I wanted to hug my mom, wanted to tell her that I am the culprit. I use to crave for those bed time stories, waited for Sundays to get my favorite food but nothing ever came back. With that small baby, I lost my mom too. There was a strange environment at home, nobody was happy. Home became a mental hospital where everybody is silent and disturbed. As I was growing, I heard many times about my mom’s sickness. She was undergoing some psychiatric treatment and some breast cancer treatment. I was 10 when I got to know these things. I was clueless about both the medical terms and thought to ask from my mom directly. I went to her room, she was sleeping. I sat behind her and put my hands on her head. She opened her eyes, smiled and hugged me. That was the best day after 2 long years! I was dying to hug my mom. She told our maid to get lunch. We both had lunch together and I ate from her hands. I told her how my studies going on, how I play cricket in school and about some cartoons on T.V. She listened to me and smiled every time. One thing that I could not tell her was about my bad prayers for little sister. Though, I wanted to confess but I never wanted to see her sad. After some time she said, you are a good boy Adish, always be the good one. Your dad is very nice man, be like him. I love u Adish, I wish I could see you growing and becoming successful in life.
I failed to understand her sentence. Maybe I was too young to understand such deep talks. After this incident, I almost had lunch and dinner with mom and used to talk all nonsense with her. Time passed, I turned 14, I had board exams that year. My mom wanted me to get at least 85% in these exams.
Exams were from March 5th and the last one was on March 28th. I studied really hard; I did not go out for many days just to concentrate on studies. I wanted to score 85 or more. Months were passing really fast and my exams were started. I wanted to confess to my mom about my bad prayers for the little baby so I decided to tell her on my result day, as I was very sure to get her expected marks. Exams were still on and 2 last were left.

21st march 2004, there was a holiday between exams and the last day of my mom with us. As I woke up around 8, I saw one doctor coming out of mom’s room and the worried face of my dad. I went to see mom, I saw her crying out of some pain. She noticed me and gave a smile. She said, Adish I am going to meet your little sister, she is all alone and I can’t leave her like this, you stay with dad and take good care of yourself, I know you would score 89% in exams. Suddenly her breath started breaking, I loudly cried for help and my dad came. He asked me to go out of the room and call doctor. He was holding mom’s hand and crying badly. I never saw him crying so hard. In few minutes, everything was finished. I lost my mom, my life. I was just 14 yrs old.
I don’t know what miracle was that, I scored 89% in my boards. I cried that whole night when my result was announced. I cry very often when I remember my mom. I never confessed that bad prayer to anyone. But today I did, I confessed this to you Priya. I wish my mom would forgive me for this. I can’t live with this burden anymore.”
He stopped talking. He was crying hard. I did not stop him. I wanted him to cry; so that he forgets every bad thing today and start a new beginning. He cried, and cried and cried…this was me, seeing, a 25-year old man crying for his mom.
Do all boys love their moms like this? Maybe yes, they do. Do I love my mom like this? I think not till now, but today this emotional guy taught me to love my mom more, to express love for mom and to respect her. One day, when we lose her, we will have nothing.
I have seen many people who have lost their mom or dad at an early age, but I never felt so blessed that I have my both parents with me. I never valued them truly. But today I am more thankful to GOD for such blessing. Adish felt better after his confession and he is moving on with his life. He has a girlfriend too with whom he wants to marry. I really wish him a blessed life ahead. And me, umm I was just a listener to his story. I am still that practical insensitive girl, but I love my parents more now. I show my love for them more often.

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